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Table of Contents
- Why I Like Retirement!
- Quotes to Live By # 1
Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the
Question: How many retirees does it take to
change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the
Question: What is the common term for
someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out
the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do,
one of their adult kids will want to store stuff
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Question: What is the best way to describe
Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of
going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING.
Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied,
'Two years older than me’.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home,
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about
being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries,
a hip replacement, new knees, fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than
a jet engine, take 40 different
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my
hands and feet anymore. Can't remember
if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
But, thank goodness, I still have my
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, 'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with
5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can
remember who they are!
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing
Quotes to Live By # 1
- My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness.
I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
- I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it was the refrigerator.
- I thought growing old would take longer.
- Highest on my bucket list: keep breathing.
where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
- Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "close enough".
- Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
- I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time!
- At my funeral, take the bouquet from my coffin
and throw it into the crowd to find out who's next...
- Retirement to do list: Wake up... Nailed it!
- Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.
- People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable.
- New RETIRED sign: "Under new management.
See spouse for details."
- When you can't find the sunshine,
be the sunshine!
- I don't have grey hair.
I have 'wisdom highlights'.
- Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
- I don't trip; I do random gravity checks.
- My heart says "chocolate & wine" --
but my jeans say, "please, please, please, eat a salad!"
- Never laugh at your spouse's choices.
You are one of them.
- One minute you're young and having fun.
The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.
- I'd grow my own food if only I could find 'steak seeds'.
- Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me,
so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.
- Some people are like clouds;
once they disappear, it's a beautiful day.
- Some people you're glad to see coming;
some people you're glad to see going.
- My body is a temple -- ancient and crumbling.
- Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment,
because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.
- I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps.
Got lost on the way back.
Now I have no idea what's going on.
- You'll know you're getting senile if you see this same list a year from now
and you think it's a new one...